We're giving up on our third attempt to have hands-free baby carrying. I'm beginning to feel somewhat expert in what can go wrong, so for babyless gift-givers, I offer the following guide to purchasing a baby sling or pack for expectant friends.
1. When you go shopping for this, take along your pet monkey (well-diapered, of course). If you do not have a pet monkey, borrow one. If you cannot borrow one, I suppose a ten-pound sack of sugar will suffice.
2. See what successful parents in your baby-goods store are wearing. Try those first.
3. Open the package and find the directions. Put the pack on yourself. If you cannot get into or out of the pack, don't give it to someone else.
4. Put the surrogate baby in the pack. If you have the monkey (active baby), it should not come out the top. If you have the sugar (drowsy baby) it should not come out the bottom. If you wind up with a monkey touring the cribs or sugar all over the floor, something has gone wrong, and you should consider a different pack.
5. Walk around a while. Determine whether you can adjust the straps yourself, whether the monkey is furious from a pinching binding, or whether you end up leaving a trail of sugar once its paper sack has been chafed through. Also, see if the pack is giving off fumes.
If you follow this procedure, it is not a bad idea to bring along a partner. If you need the partner's help to put on the pack, it's no good. Partner should be there strictly in the capacity of photographer.
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